Hey y’all, I’m not going to lie, it’s been a tough week for me personally. I think this whole process has brought waves of emotion for us all, and I’m grateful that I have had peaks in the midst of it, but this week was definitely more of a valley. And don’t get me wrong, valleys can be beautiful places, you just don’t see the sun as often when you’re in them.
Last week I wrote about the permanent closure of the tour company I’ve worked for through much of my adult life. It’s a company which was founded three years before I was born and which I guess I expected to be there, in one form or another, indefinitely into the future. The company and I had found a good rhythm, one which worked really well for us both. For me, it allowed me to do something which I enjoy and which I’m good at and which allowed me to travel to beautiful places, hike often and practice my photography. In return, my company got a true professional career guide who could work independently and be gone for months at a time with minimal supervision while still producing high quality tours and satisfied customers. I could make enough money in a few months to pursue my other interests during the rest of the year and I think it’s been a pretty fair and balanced relationship. While there are other companies out there and I know that my experience will land me a job in the future, it won’t have the same shared history for me. Couple that with the uncertainty of the when’s and where’s and it has left me less upbeat about the future than I usually am. And that, for me, is a problem. If you’ve been following this blog long enough, you know that I suffer from depression and anxiety and that travel helps me cope with both. In the past, when things have gotten bad for me, I’ve inevitably been able to look optimistically towards the future and find some point in my mind where things are okay and things are better. And even when I didn’t necessarily think I would be going back to guiding, it was always there as an option and thinking about a fresh season in a new van could always bring me out of a funk. While I know that somewhere out there is a new season with a new company or perhaps a better option which I haven’t even considered before because I haven’t been forced to look for it, it’s taken a few days of mourning to reach that point.
In addition, it’s been a tough few weeks of watching the news and social media with everything which has been happening in the U.S. I find myself, as usual, torn when it comes to so many things. Over the last 20 years, I’ve traveled to all corners of the U.S. and met wonderful people everywhere I went of all shapes, sizes, shades, ages and backgrounds. Americans, generally speaking, are kind, hardworking people struggling to find a path forward and doing the best they can. I wish the politicians of this country would do more to showcase our similarities instead of our differences and work to bring us together instead of driving us apart. I also wish that people would stop running their mouths so much and open their ears and try and find the right people to listen to. If you have a problem with your sink, do you call a plumber or a baker? And yet it seems like in almost every case these days, instead of listening to the experts we are listening to the person talking the loudest and that’s got to stop. A few times over the last few weeks I’ve tried to offer up some thoughts on some subjects I have spent time studying and have a better-than-average understanding of only to find myself in unnecessary confrontations. So I will stop and pull back because confrontation is not what I need right now and the loudest voice will get the attention anyway.
I did have a wonderful conversation today with one of my friends who I met when I lived in Japan. While we were there, we were often each other’s go-to person when it came to our problems. We could talk honestly and openly and allow ourselves to show our own vulnerabilities. That’s a tough thing to do, even with someone you consider a friend and it was great to have someone I felt that comfortable around when I was so far away from home. Since returning to the U.S., our paths have taken us in different directions, but we’ve always known that the other was always just a phone call away. Today he picked up the phone and made that call. We talked for an hour and both of us were able to let loose a little bit on the frustrations of the last few months. We both agreed that one of the biggest problems we were both stuck with was feeling out of control because of things which simply are outside of our control. It’s so hard when there are hurdles you can’t see past or even take steps to get over. I guess the answer we came up with was to have a little faith, continue to count our blessings because it could be much much worse, and take care of ourselves first, then our innermost circle, and then to others in ripples beyond that.
So I’m starting to gain my focus back a little bit. I’m going to put down the news and pick up my guitar. Instead of engaging on the internet, I will engage with my books and my photos and my writing. Instead of worrying about the future, I will live in the present until the future gains some definition again. Despite the heat, I will try and get more exercise and get out and take more photos and stop sitting in this house and feeling sorry for myself. It’s time to get on with things.
The week has not been without some high points, though, and most have been in our little house, hanging out with my folks and trying to continue to make the best of the situation. Last Wednesday night, I rigged up a sheet in the living room and set up my projector and we watched Almost Famous, one of my all-time favorite movies on the big screen. It was fun and I think we’re going to try and have a movie night every week for a while – I already ordered some more for us to watch in the weeks to come.
Friday we had our weekly basement party, this time with a circus theme. We listened to some circus music (it’s amazing what Spotify can come up with sometimes), had some snacks, played Palace, a card game I used to play with my friends all the time, and even had some delicious ice-cream sundaes. It was a fun night. This coming Friday we are having a medieval party and will be playing some Carcassonne, a board game I used to play all the time in Japan. I’m looking forward to it.
Sunday I wanted to have a wonderful Father’s Day brunch for my stepfather, so we got cooking early in the morning. I made some delicious buttermilk biscuits from scratch and then I fried up some beautiful trout filets and served them with grits, eggs and bacon. We had some mint juleps with fresh mint from our garden and a delicious peach and blueberry skillet cobbler for dessert. It was quite a meal and put us all in the mood for a nice long Sunday afternoon nap. It was a good night for some TV, something I’ve sadly been turning to more and more as the weeks have turned to months.
Monday was a pretty quiet day. I tried to get a jump on some of my work for the week which is always a good thing. I prepared my math lesson for the young man I’m tutoring for today and then got some planning done for our Tuesday trip which this week took us north to Monocacy battlefield in Maryland. This battle was a small but key engagement which delayed the last Confederate attack into the North which was aimed at Washington D.C. While the Confederates would make their way into the Union capital city and engage at Fort Stevens just a few miles from my house, the delay at Monocacy bought the U.S. Army valuable time to prepare. It was a fun day out and nice to be taking photos and to be out of the house. Tomorrow we are heading out to Fort Stevens to look at that battle, one in which President Lincoln was present and under fire, and the National Cemetery associated with that battle.
And that’s about what has been happening this week. More of the same really but I’ve been trying to get back out of this valley and spend more time in the sun. I need to have some better discipline and try and use this time better. In some ways it is very much a gift and one I don’t want to squander feeling pent up and sorry for myself. I keep telling people I have plenty to do, and that’s very true, and it’s time to get on with it. Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be.
I hope y’all are doing well wherever you are. Thank you for reading this post and I’ll see you right back here next week and I hope I will have lots of positive things to talk about it. Week #13 is in the books. Have a good week and stay safe out there.
-Mike